COMING AND GOING

Putting the “No” back into Anonymous Sex 
© Breeze Vincinz

Spurred by the recent tragedies involving the deaths of young gay Black men in New York City, a friend of mine decided to pen some helpful tips that could prevent such tragedies from repeating.

Stories of sexually active gay men who did not survive precarious situations have always been the “ghost stories” for me and my friend, both of us sexually active gay men who have at one point or another have found ourselves in our own precarious situations. We tell the seedy details of our own sexual trysts and laugh uncomfortably at the thought that outside of pure utter luck, we have no idea why we survived and so many haven’t.

My friend’s list consisted of ten things you can do to ensure your safety if you decide to have a one night stand, or as it is more affectionately termed in the community, “if you decide to bring a trick home.”

When I first read his list I looked on in it with a heightened sense of humor, not really taking it seriously. I decided to pen my own comical version of the list. But after informing me of his true intentions to help people and then pondering over all of those ghost stories, my laughter wasn’t uncomfortable, it went away altogether.

With that said, these are my ten tips to help protect yourself if you are so inclined to bring a trick home. It is written in jest, but there is some hardness to this candy, and I hope it helps.

The Continuing Guide To Living A Promiscuous Homosexual Lifestyle on a Budget in an Urban Environment

1. DON’T tell those catty bitches where you are about to get some. Somebody should be aware of your location but the last thing you need is Laquiesha and them prank calling your ass while you’re getting some dick from Dave the Drug fiend.
   
2. DON’T meet someone from a chat room unless you have accurately Googled their ass first. Or in the very least have caught the last episode of “To Catch A Predator” and/or “America’s Most Wanted”.
   
   • ...and maybe “America’s Next Top Model”.
     
3. DON’T refuse if someone asks if his boy can come over too. Seriously dude… how many times are you going to have the opportunity for a ménage a trios?
   
4. DON’T let the guy(s) entering your apartment walk further than two feet in before they completely undress naked. They might have weapons but at least you can get off before the knife fight starts.
   
5. DON’T forget that this is a one night stand/booty call. C’mon people… “Pretty Woman” was bullshit, Julia Roberts knows it, Disney knows it, you should too. A trick is a trick is a trick, you’ll never be able to turn a ho into a husband. Under no circumstances whatsoever do you share your personal information.
   • However, if he decides to share his, remember it with pristine recall just in case you run short on cash one day and you need to get a credit card in his name.
     
6. DON’T miss the opportunity to take pictures of the dude in various states of undress, preferably inebriated. MySpace has been getting boring lately, we need YOU to spice it up.
   
7. DON’T go through any special hoops to hide your valuables. He should be naked by the time he reaches your $1,000,000 Fabergé Egg.
   
8. DON’T go over a stranger’s house… if he lives in the projects. In this case judge a book by the cover. Statistically speaking, poor tricks are 90% more likely to give you drama than rich tricks.
   
   • Stay away from gated communities. If you get caught up in there… giiirrlll…. I hope you can jump.
     
9. DON’T do anything with a dude before you give him a thorough look over his body. Once he strips, check for lesions, sores, gun shot wounds track marks… stretch marks. There is nothing worse than giving head to some dude in the dark and tasting scar tissue.
   
10. DON’T let your guard down when it’s over. Make him put on his clothes within two feet of the door and gently kick him out. If you made it to this point and the sex was good, make a mental note to invite him back over and to show your appreciation give him three feet.
    • If you got to this point and the sex was bad… quickly kick him out flail your arms about while screaming at the top of your lungs about how bad he was. A chorus of either “One Minute Man” or “Short Dick Man” would be appropriate here.
    
    
    • If you get to this point and the sex was good but you suffered a body injury, amputate or try to amputate the nearest body appendage to hold him until the police come. In the meantime make sure you put some clothes on girl and make some tea and when the po po comes and asks how you know the dude smile demurely and say in a pronounced southern accent “Why I don’t know officer… I was just sitting here having tay…”